Sibling Position in Bowen Theory
Posted by Isaac Butterworth | Filed under Bowen Theory
Theorists have long believed that personality is formed to a great extent during our earliest years from our experience in the family. However, until the publication of Family Constellation by Walter Toman in 1961, it was less clear what were the important factors in those early years. Toman’s work identified three major determinants of personality characteristics: (1) the order of one’s birth (sibling position), (2) the birth order of one’s parents, and (3) the mix of genders among siblings.
Of course, sibling position is not the only influence on personality formation, but it is an important consideration. Attention to birth order makes it clear that no two children experience their family in the same way. Each position is different from the others. For example, the oldest child can remember a time when she or he was an only child and may even be able to recall the births of the other siblings. The youngest, on the other hand, cannot remember a time when there was not an older brother or sister.
In her book, The Eight Concepts of Bowen Theory, Roberta M. Gilbert points out that the concept of sibling position is related to the concept of the family as an emotional unit. “It is easy to see,” she writes, “how all our patterned behaviors are developed out of the original family fusions we find ourselves in. In the same way, the ‘automatics’ from our original family fusions we carry with us into adulthood will include those of sibling position” (pp. 86f.).
Dr. Gilbert indicates that there are eleven positions, all different from the others and each with its particular capabilities. The list shows each position with its symbol:
- oldest brother of brothers: b/(b)
- youngest brother of brothers: (b)/b
- oldest brother of sisters: b/(s)
- youngest brother of sisters: (s)/b
- male only child
- oldest sister of sisters: s/(s)
- youngest sister of sisters: (s)/s
- oldest sister of brothers: s/(b)
- youngest sister of brothers: (b)/s
- female only child
- twins
Notice that there is no middle position listed. Middle children tend to be closer to one or another sibling, often depending on nearness in age. They will, therefore, adopt one of the positions listed above. Or, they may carry characteristics of more than one position.
We may summarize Toman’s “role portraits,” but we will want to keep in mind that they are not unchangeable and that they are not always applicable in individual cases.
Oldest Brother of Brothers
- assumes responsibility and authority easily
- nurtures and cares for the group
- expects loyalty and trust in return
- sensitive and shy around women
- attracted to youngest sisters
- needs male friendships
- a concerned father if not controlling
Youngest Brother of Brothers
- follows and leans on men
- not a natural leader
- interested in the quality of life and joys of the moment
- accomplishes distinction in scientific, technical, or artistic fields
- is soft, yielding, faithful, and unpredictable with women
- contact with males important
- relates more as a companion to his children
Oldest Brother of Sisters
- understands, appreciates, and works well with women
- not motivated to leadership, male chauvinism, male clubs, materialism, or obsessive work
- sacrifices for the woman in his life
- concerned for his children but not overly so
- regards his wife as the most important person in the family
Youngest Brother of Sisters
- attracts the services, solicitation, and care of women
- charms women but does not understand them
- valued and privileged in his original family and throughout life
- can assume leadership easily
- not keen for fatherhood but indulges his wife’s wishes
- companion and adviser to his children
- not interested in male friends
Male Only Child
- prefers the company of older people throughout life, wanting their support
- enjoys self-confidence and may rise to great heights
- enjoys attention, life, art, intellectual and cultural exchanges, being the focus of attention, but not materialism
- not motivated to fatherhood but may pamper and overprotect
- father figures more important than male friends
Oldest Sister of Sisters
- caretaker, order giver, likes to be in charge
- responsibility and power are more important than wealth and goods
- intimidating to men, finds it hard to give in
- children more important than her husband, may be overprotective and smothering to them
- women friends important
Youngest Sister of Sisters
- bubbly, impulsive, loving change and excitement, attractive, competing with other women
- works for recognition and praise and loves to excel
- suggestible, can take risks
- material things interest her
- attracts men but may compete with them
- as a mother, may need help
Oldest Sister of Brothers
- independent, strong, takes care of men
- the men in her life are her main concern, does not compete with them, needs their companionship
- would rather possess men than material things but can administer possessions well
- loves caring for children, favors sons
- less interest in women friends
Youngest Sister of Brothers
- attractive to men: feminine, friendly, sympathetic, sensitive, and tactful. Long lasting relationships with men come naturally
- motivated more by her man than by work or by wealth
- cared for by her husband
- loving mother but may be dependent or seductive
- women friends not interesting to her
Female Only Child
- structures her life around older people and patrons
- motivated by their approval and preference, not by wealth
- overly close to mother
- spoiled or egocentric with men
- good, faithful wife
- prefers being a child to having them
- individual women friends preferred to groups
Twins
- different from other positions in their closeness
- one senior and in charge, the other dependent and impulsive
- hard to imagine life without the other
- relate to other siblings in the family as from those positions also
Middle Siblings
- One role usually stronger but may have multiple roles
- may feel neglected in the family
- possesses noticeable relationship skills, may be known as the peacemaker
Sibling Position and Relationships
Different sibling positions relate in significant relationships in characteristic ways. There are only two positions that experience no rank or gender conflict: (1) the oldest brother of sisters and the youngest sister of brothers and (2) the youngest brother of sisters and the oldest sister of brothers. These sets of relationships tend to be “fortunate fits.” The tendency on the part of the youngest to follow will play to the tendency on the part of the oldest to lead. They each understand the opposite gender naturally, since they have spent a great deal of their formative years around it.
Four relationships are characterized by partial gender conflict: (1) the oldest brother of sisters and the youngest sister of sisters; (2) the youngest brother of sisters and the oldest sister of sisters; (3) the oldest brother of brothers and the youngest sister of brothers; and (4) the youngest brother of brothers and the oldest sister of brothers. In each of these cases, one of the two has had no experience growing up with a sibling of the opposite sex. That one will need adult relationships of the same gender, but the mate, not needing them, will not understand. Fortunately for people in these relationships there is no conflict of rank with which to deal.
Four relationships contain a rank or gender conflict: (1) the oldest brother of sisters and the oldest sister of brothers; (2) the youngest brother of sisters and the youngest sister of brothers; (3) the oldest brother of brothers and the youngest sister of sisters; and (4) the youngest brother of brothers and the oldest sister of sisters. Although they have confluence in one area, either gender or rank, they do not in the other.
Four relationships carry a rank and a partial gender conflict: (1) the oldest brother of sisters and the oldest sister of sisters; (2) the youngest brother of sisters and the youngest sister of sisters; (3) the oldest brother of brothers and the oldest sister of brothers; and (4) the youngest brother of brothers and the youngest sister of brothers.
Three relationships show a complete rank and gender conflict: (1) the oldest brother of brothers and the oldest sister of sisters; (2) the youngest brother of brothers and the youngest sister of sisters; and (3) only children. Relationships between people in these positions have little or no experience with the opposite sex growing up, so they do not understand the other easily. Also, their ranks in their sibling configurations were the same. The oldest persons will be expecting the other to follow and may be surprised when it does not happen. The youngest persons will be looking for leadership that another knows how to take, but it will not be forthcoming.
Relationship Patterns and Sibling Position Combinations
Dr. Gilbert suggests that we may gain increased self-understanding when we “think systems” about sibling positions and relationships. She notes that the particular direction that relationship patterns take is especially influenced by the gender and rank of the participants in the family constellation:
- oldest children seem to be at risk for overfunctioning, just as youngest children are at risk for underfunctioning
- two oldest children who are married to each other are prone to engage in conflict
- youngest children will give in rather than fight, so two youngest children who are married to each other may flounder from lack of decision-making
- marriages of an oldest and a youngest will tend toward overfunctioning / underfunctioning reciprocity
- only children may be more distant in their relationships and may need more “alone time” than their mates find comfortable
Dr. Toman was always careful to point out that his research applied statistically in what he called the “aggregate” but not necessarily in a particular case under study. When we take into account the fact that people come out of their families with a higher or lower degree of self-differentiation, we can understand why some will be more or less typical of their sibling position.
In Bowen theory, job one is to work on changing the self rather than on changing others, in order to attain an ever higher level on the Differentiation of Self Scale. Sibling position descriptions are merely a starting point for this work. As a person differentiates herself or himself from the emotional system of the family, she or he will work beyond the weaknesses of sibling position, family generational history, and emotional reactivity.
Photo Credit: Sisters by Patrick
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