The Nuclear Family Emotional System / Part Two

img

According to Bowen theory, families (and other groups) use four predictable and ineffective patterns for coping with anxiety: (1) triangling, (2) conflict, (3) distance, and (4) reciprocal overfunctioning and underfunctioning. Interrupting these patterns requires that at least one individual in the system decide to be calm and, thereby, not to escalate the level of anxiety.

Bowen family systems theory works with eight concepts that help us to understand interactions within the family (or other group). This understanding, in turn, enables us to function more effectively in the network of relationships of which we are a part.

In the post, The Nuclear Family Emotional System / Part One, we began to look at the first of these eight concepts. We addressed the matter of how anxiety, once triggered in a given individual, moves rapidly throughout the rest of the group of which the person is a part. This is one significant aspect of behavior in any emotional system, such as the nuclear family (Mom, Dad, and the kids). In this post, we continue to look at this first of the eight concepts of Bowen theory: the Nuclear Family Emotional System.

Fusion

In addition to the highly contagious nature of of anxiety, there is another important aspect of behavior in the family as an emotional system. It is what Roberta Gilbert refers to as “a strong ‘togetherness’ force.” In her book, The Eight Concepts of Bowen Theory, she writes:

Much of human existence is dictated by the strong ‘togetherness’ force originating in that most basic of all social organizations, the family. That force, opposite from the ‘individuality’ force, automatically and instinctually pulls us together in a family and emotionally defines what that family is. It sticks us together, absorbing part of each self, demanding we be there for the group” (p. 9).

The family, then, is made up of “donations” of self from its members. We describe this dynamic as “fusion.” Whenever anxiety increases, fusion occurs. To a greater or lesser extent in different families, when one person gets upset, all the rest do as well.

Fusion solves the problem of feeling alone and endangered, but it also creates additional anxiety. As a result, family members often try to resolve their anxious feelings by adopting one of four automatic patterns:

  • triangling
  • conflict
  • distance
  • overfunctioning/underfunctioning reciprocity

Triangling

When a family becomes anxious, one of the automatic patterns is that of the triangle. In her book, Gilbert uses the example of a father coming home, filled with anxiety after a bad day. The mother takes on the anxiety, and, as soon as she does, the father often feels better. Then, an interesting development occurs. The child takes on the anxiety of the mother, thus relieving her. If this happens often enough, it becomes a pattern, and it is likely that the child will develop physical, emotional, or social symptoms. This adds to the parents’ anxieties, and they begin to worry. The more they worry, the more anxious the child becomes, and a vicious cycle ensues.

Conflict

The second automatic pattern that a family may adopt to resolve anxiety is conflict. Conflict results when two people are dealing with major issues and neither one gives in to the other. Such a situation can become extremely bitter and painful. The two family members insult and project blame on each other. The disagreement, which can be intense, requires the investment by each of a vast amount of energy in the other.

Distance

The third automatic pattern used to deal with anxiety is distance. Communication decreases and may even stop. People may not speak to each other for months. But while they may seem externally disconnected, it is a different story internally. Distanced persons think about each other a great deal, and they think about the conflict that led to the distancing. By distancing, they are far from free of the problem.

Overfunctioning / Underfunctioning Reciprocity

The fourth pattern families (and other groups) use to manage anxiety is known as overfunctioning/underfunctioning reciprocity. This term describes people trying to make one self out of two. In describing this dynamic in marriage, Murray Bowen wrote:

One spouse becomes the more dominant decision-maker for the common self, while the other adapts to the situation. This is one of the best examples of borrowing and trading of self in a close relationship. One may assume the dominant role and force the other to be adaptive…. The dominant one gains self at the expense of the more adaptive one, who loses self” (Family Therapy in Clinical Practice, p. 377).

Interrupting the Patterns

If we find ourselves caught in escalating anxiety, is there anything we can do to reverse the cycle? Gilbert says there is. If each of us manages our own part of the relationship differently, the pattern will disappear.

Consider the pattern of triangling. What is needed is to assume a calmer position in the face of the other person’s anxiety. When I decide not to take on his or her anxiety, he or she may calm down, and I am less likely to pass the anxiety on to another member of the family.

In the case of conflict, I may remember that it takes two to make a fight. If I step back, take a deep breath, and calm down, the conflict may dissipate. “A soft answer turns away wrath” (Proverbs 15:1, NRSV).

When tempted to engage in the distance pattern, I search for a way to make contact with the other. My effort to connect may not be verbal at first; it may be little more than a gesture or a different attitude. The key is to begin the process.

In finding an alternative to the overfunctioning/underfunctioning pattern, we may strive for more of an equal posture. If I am the overfunctioner, I can stop knowing all the answers, or I can begin to listen more than I talk. If I am the underfunctioner, I can begin to bring more of myself to the relationship, come up with my own answers, and start to do more for myself.

The first and foundational concept of Bowen family systems theory is that of the nuclear family as an emotional system. The next concept, and one of the most illuminating, is the the differentiation of self scale. We will begin our reflection on that in the next post.

Photo credit: Pressure by Kevin Dooley

Tagged : , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

7 Responses to “The Nuclear Family Emotional System / Part Two”

  1. Julie Melton Says:
    April 7, 2010 at 9:56 pm

    ike, I love this series! I am taking away very big life lessons. Thank you for sharing!

  2. Thank you for a very understandable summary of Bowen Theory. I have read most of Roberta Gilbert books and some of Bowen and others, but I still get somewhat overwhelmed. Everything makes so much sense. So it really helps me to find someone that can digest it, summarize it, and explain it so well. Thanks!

  3. […] will continue with the nuclear family emotional system in the next post. This concept is the first of eight in Bowen Family Systems Theory, and it is the one on which the […]

  4. […] Nuclear Family Emotional System / Part Two […]

  5. […] Nuclear Family Emotional System / Part One / Part Two […]

Leave a Reply